A Day in Life

Woke up on Tuesday morning a little later than I expected. No bother, it's all gravy. I called my Aunt to see how my Uncle was doing, but she didn't answer. I left a message stating that I'd love to come even if it was to just lend my support. I had laundry to do, and I was looking at facebook and hanging with my grandmother when all of a sudden my cousin Dennis (Jr. my sick Uncle's son) calls and says that if I really want to come that I should but that they are not in happy times right now.

 I was fine with this. I gathered my things and borrowed the car got some flowers and drove out. My grandmother gave me some killer directions to the highway that had few lights and few stops and less traffic. GPS was used when I got to the highway to guide me the way there.

I gave thanks again on this ride because the ride was gorgeous. The highway went right along the coast, right against the water and it was ever so pretty. And the bridge I had to take looked like that one in Delaware that leads to the beaches, but obvi way prettier with the surroundings. The drive was OK, but I got lost a bunch as I had been the entire time I drove in Florida. Also, in Bradenton, the people run on island time. Everyone moves slowly. Lines at cash registers move slowly. No one seems to rush. Except for on the highway. These people drive like maniacs. I'm driving like 70-80mph, and these people are FLYING past me. And weaving out of traffic going over a giant bridge. It's insane.

Anways,  the GPS sent me to the wrong place, but luckily iPhone was there and found what it was. Now, when I first arrived, I was in denial because it said Hospice. I know what Hospice is all about, but neither Carol nor Dennis told me that he was in Hospice cause Hospice means the end of the line for most people. So I actually drove down the road in the opposite direction because iPhone said it was down there, but when I got to the location, it was like a little planned community. I called my cousin, and yeah, it was the Hospice place. 

I get inside after fumbling with all my things, and just start crying. My uncle is in the bed entirely passed out and barely able to breath. I hug my cousin Jamie (the mother of my goddaughter) and my Aunt Carol (wife of the dying man, and mother of Jamie, and grandmother of my goddaughter). The godmother of my goddaughter, Tina, the sister of the dying man, was there as well. We all sat and chatted and cried and chatted and cried.

Earlier I had said that he lost half his foot. But, as it turns out, he actually lost his left leg from the knee down. I saw the stump and everything because the surgery had been only a few weeks ago and the stitches were still all there. Apparently, the stress of the rehab, of having to learn how to live without a leg, exhausted my uncle to a point where his body finally gave out. I had planned to stay only a few hours, but a torrential rain storm was going on outside, and I was not planning on driving back in that. I was nervous enough in a new area with an unfamiliar car.

My Uncle Jack came over with another cousin who had become friendly with my Uncle. Then, I was supposed to follow him back to his house, but as I followed, it was dark and raining, and I was emotionally disquiet, and I totally lost him. And of course I didn't have his cell phone number or anything of that sort, so I called my aunt and told her I was just going to head back to Bradenton. It was 6.30pm at this point, and I had a 2 hour drive ahead of me. 

PLUS, I was leaving at 7am the next day, which meant I needed to be up at 5am, and I needed to repack my whole bag. And yes, my bag has really fucked me over because I am at full capacity. I packed way too much stuff for my trip. I knew I was leaving for 5 weeks, so I prepared for every contingency. Yet, as I sit and type this in Santa Barbara, I bought a new jacket and shirt that was on sale. I couldn't help it! The jacket was hot and was originally $100, and it was marked down to $30 and the shirt was $10, and I made it into a vest. Thus, I will be sending some stuff home. 

On the way home, I had awful Tacobell cause I was starving and there was nothing around, and I needed to get something in my stomach. I also treated myself to a 6-pack of Red Stripe that I got from Winn Dixie. Drank after I got home. Not on the drive. As I packed, my grandmother and I watched Obama and the State of the Union which was what it was. Poor Obama. Those evil pundits are such fucking morons. Not getting into it though. She went to bed, my cousin came home, and we hung out and chilled for a few hours before I finally went to bed.

I got up early, and my grandmother and I hit it for the airport. We made it with plenty of time, and the trip was fantastic. We gave each other hugs and I was on my way to Santa Barbara.

Looking back, I am fortunate I got to say goodbye to my uncle. I can't come home from my vacation for the funeral. He passed away at 1.27am on January 27th. He was an amazing guy. I haven't come out to a lot of my family, but I came out to him, and he was amazing about it When I told him, he was like 'So what?!' and I said that I just wanted him to know. And he said it made no difference to him and that what matters is me and nothing else. He was happy I told him, but he loved me the same. Such a wonderful feeling.

Addendums: Thoughts I've had, but that are not part of the story of the trip

When I wrote the majority of the ish that is being published in this blog, I was on the plane from Florida to California. As I wrote the day to day details of what happens in life, as often happens, does my mind want to add in other details as well. These are details that are just in my mind. Read them if you wish, but they tell nothing about the daily happenings of my trip.

Addendum I

Hue has been integral in pushing and developing the idea of thankfulness and affirmation. In the mornings, as often as I can, I will wake up and affirm how great it is to be alive. I give thanks for the chance to be on this trip, for the health to be able to make it, for the beauty of my soul and of my body and of my ability to keep changing it to what I want. I send out love to the cosmos in order to keep love coming back to me. I used to dismiss this sort of talk as hippie bullshit or new-age-feel-goodedness. However, I have also come to find in almost every aspect of my life that one must change and see things differently. But in terms of my soul, I think I never really focused on developing it. 

Who ever actively sits and spends time developing inside? I have never been able to quiet my mind. I used to fill empty and silent periods between friends with idle chatter and bullshit conversation about almost nothing. I never thought I could sit with another person and not have to talk. And feel comfortable not having to talk. More and more, I don't feel this pressing desire to fill the silent spaces of my life. Instead I search for those silent spaces. I love it when I can clear my mind, even if I can only do it for 10 seconds or so before a song comes into my head and ruins it or I think about work or money or the stuff that distracts us from taking that time to invest in soul work.

When I was 18, Kate Harton and I tried to do yoga back when we had Breakfast Club. B.Fast Club only consisted of me, Kelly, Kate, and Dustin. Sometimes Dank came to be a good sport, but it was mad early. Kate, Kelly, and I all had an 8am class at the time. Not Dustin though. This was the time in his life where he followed Kelly everywhere for everything. Techincally, he wasn't invited to B.Fast club, but he came anyways as that was what happened at the time. 

My 8am class was Grammar for English Teachers. It was twice a week, and it was only offered at that time period. It was a Pass/Fail course, but you had to Pass with a 90. Anything below and you failed. Also, if you took a certain test too many times, you also failed. It was intense. As Josers, he'll tell yah. Anyways, at like 7am, there was a yoga class on campus that Kate and attempted to go to. We went once, I think, doubtful that it was twice, and it was so fucking hard. Anyways, so I sucked at yoga, and ever since that time, I had been saying that I needed to get into it. And I said that and I said that and I said that until I was 25. 

Then, in the summer, I met a dude on Grindr who was a bike-fag, and we chatted and it just so happened he was going to bike to Coney Island for Fireworks! Fireworks! Fireworks! He invited me along and I said sure. We met up in Billyburg. I was kind of 5^th wheel because he had his friend with him, Alison, and the other boy who came with us, Domenick, had his friend there, but I forget her name. I could care less being 5^th wheel. Years ago, when I was more insecure with myself, I would not have been able to do this. I would have been nervous and left because I was uncomfortable with myself. But we biked down and it was a blast. The dude I met on Grindr was cool, his name is Daniel, and Domenick facebook friended me. Time goes by, and the summer ends,.

THEN, months later, I see that Domenick posts something about a Donation-Only Beginner's yoga class. He's the instructor. Now Domenick I would describe as cub-like, meaning he is gay with body hair, but he is not huge and fat like a bear. He has such a pretty voice, the cutest face, and an amazing amazing smile. I was nervous, but I messaged him and told him of my anxieties, and I went and did it. As yoga goes, it is a serious faux pas to be late for class. Of course, being from Delaware and my mother's son, I cannot be places on time. So I was like 15mins late which is taduk bagus (No bueno in Indoesian). 

The first time I went, there were only 3 other people in the class besides me. I got a lot of attention from him that first night. Then I went the next week too, and I've continued to do it. One of the best parts about yoga is that I have discovered parts of my body that I didn't know I had. Moving and twisting makes you feel muscles you rarely ever use. And I like that feeling. I think that modern times have limited physical movements, so there needs to be something to supplement that. The gym is one thing, but the gym is so controlled and is more focused on one specific group of muscle. Yoga works out the whole body. And it also helped me to learnt\ to relax my mind. 

Now, I am def not saying that I'm good at that. I relish in delight when I have nothing in mind mind but nothing. Yoga has been great, and I suggest that everyone try it. I've been keeping up on it even on my trip. I've got P90X yoga on my computer and it is a motherfucker, but I'm glad I have it. And even the guy who instructs it says that the stuff he is able to do at 45 isn't from lifting weights or putting time in at the gym, it's from yoga.

Side Point: The tangent about yoga and spiritual development feeds into another tangent. I relied on technology before trying to get to the care center where my uncle was. I used my grandmother's GPS. But, what I forget is that technology is made by humans which means it's flawed in some way. Thus, you can never rely on only one method, there must be multiple options that can be relied upon in the same way. I use this same idea when it comes to healthcare or religion or anything like that. You can't just believe medical science, just like you can't just believe the chiropractor, just like you can't rely on psychology, just like you can't rely on alternative medicine. These things, when used together, create a better whole because all the flaws that humans inevitably input into these sciences will hopefully cancel each other out or one picks up the slack where another leaves off. I can't work on my physical self if I never take the time to develop my spiritual self. Yoga is one method. Next, I need to get into mediation and then discover pathways from there.

More addendums to come!!!

More, More, More...

Monday came. Part of the trip was supposed to involve a visit to some other relatives who also live down in Florida when the weather is cold. Also, my aunt and uncle came down in early December, but my uncle is sickly, and he got ill and couldn't make the trip back to PA where they live. 

 So here is some family breakdown:

Aunt Sissi is my late grandmother's sister. Thus, my great aunt.

Aunt Sissi and Uncle Jack gave birth to Carol

Carol married Dennis and they had two kids named Jamie (older) and Dennis Jr. (younger)

Jamie has three children, one of which is named Riley, who is my goddaughter.

I was supposed to come for the day to visit Uncle Jack, Aunt Sis, Aunt Carol, and Uncle Dennis (Sr.), but Uncle Dennis has had failing health for a long while now. Like he has diabetes and has had multiple heart attacks and he has to undergo dialysis every night, but he always pulls through and always makes it out. Sadly though, his health has gotten even worse and he had to have half of his foot removed. I was told that he was not doing well on Monday, so I didn't come. I spent the day, instead, putzing around with my grandmother, and then trying to find the gym. I borrowed the car and it took forever.

One thing about Bradenton, FL is that that the driving is slightly confusing. Many of the streets are numbered, but, you will have jumps from like 80^th St. to 70^th St. yet the numbers in between can't be seen from the main road. Instead, those streets will be tucked into some neighborhood. Basically, shit creeps up on ya when you aren't expecting it, and it sucks. 

But, I made it. And I was happy with myself because I learned from a previous mistake. When I was in Pittsburgh, I tried to go to a gym called Urban Active. I signed up for my free pass and everything, but when I got there, they would not let me have it because I was visiting. Those free passes were only for local residents. My lying ways are not as honed as the used to be, so I told the truth to see if he would just let me in. This doesn't work on older straight men. I can use my charm on women and gay men, but my cuteness is not even noticed by the straight men, so I didn't get in. But, for the Florida gym, I gave my grandmother's address and a sob story about how I was down to help her heal from surgery or some such thing. Boo yah! Entry.

Gym was great. Felt great to run and lift and do the stuff that needed to get done. My body is still tight from it too. My new thing is 5mins on the treadmill at 7mph, then I go lift something and do an ab thing, then I get back on the treadmill and run for 1m at 9mph, then back and lift something else. I repeat this until I am so broken and tired that I can't do it again. It's fucking great.

Drove back home late, dinner was already started, and by the time I got home I could eat again. The entire day I was talking to a boy named Ricky who I met on Grindr. He's a southern black gentleman who teaches classical dance and he is the Vice Principal of the School where it all happens. I always meet men from the South, and I love their little quirks and things. Anyways, I met him up and we went to see Black Swan. Movie was fuckin killin. I thought it was way cool, and I hate Natalie Portman like poison but I'd swallow this movie down whole. He had work the next day, so I just went back home. 

One of the nicest things I did was take late night walks around my grandmother's mobile park. Now, she bought a mobile trailer thing there like 25 years ago and it is in pretty decent condition. You walk up the street and you hit the bay. You go a mile down the road and hit the beach. The park itself is called Sunny Shores, and it is off the beaten path and behind a flower nursery. The air smells great because the bay is right there. I would love to buy Shehara a place down there, so she could have a place for the winter that is easy to take care of, that has kind neighbors, and is easily bikeable to everywhere. 

At night, I would walk around the streets and smoke and look at the stars because there are so many in the sky. Brooklyn brings a lot to the table, but as man enters, nature fades. I rarely see stars like I saw them Monday night. I can remember the last time I saw them I was camping in Delaware for the annual Colegrove Birthday Bike Trip to the beach. We were sitting on the bunker and the stars were so so so clear.

 I came in and went to bed feeling great about my life.

And on and on

Anyways, the next day was a hang around day. We went shopping at a store called Winn Dixie. It was a grocery store that sold everything; I grilled up some turkey burgers; Bobby and I hung out with his friends again just relaxin and taking it easy at their place.

Sunday brought some venturing out for Bobby and I. We went to the Ringling Brothers museum which detailed how the circus came to be. Also it has the Ringling Mansion which is a museum now and a Classic Art museum. Can I say that I had a great time because I def did! The circus is incredible in the sense that it was a giant moving city. Literally, the tents came in the morning before the show, the workers put everything together, and by night it was all ready. After the performance, everything was packed up and sent to the next town. The coolest part was a model of the circus based off of real photos and video and description, so it is very accurate. The mansion on the property was goddamn incredible. A spectacular house the opens right up onto the bay. We came back home and made some chicken on the grill, and then we headed back over to his friends' place. Together with another guy named Tom, did we all pile into Marty's party van and head out for drinking.

We went first for pizza. The first stop we went in literally smelled like shit the instant we walked in. Luckily, they weren't selling slices for the rest of the night, so we bounced out like woah. We went to another place and the pizza was killin. And, as it turns out, Jen used to play roller derby which is awesome because I have had a lot of interaction with roller derby, so we chatted and I had a beer and a killin slice of cheese pizza. Afterwards, we went to a place called Mr. Beery's.

This pace is tight cause it has a bunch of rotating microbrews. I had an Abbey Ale, a Red Ale, and some other Hefeweisn type business. The worst though was the live comedy that was going on. This old ass man, like in his 40s, fat, bald, dough faced was on stage. Now, I think that anyone who puts themselves out for public or creative display deserves some sort of credit for making themselves vulerable. This man though deserves nothing but chemical castration. He sang a song about some 'new product' he was offering that collected piss. Then he said how great it would be at the ball game, and then sang a version of 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame,' but the words were take me out to the bathroom and all this other tacky awfulness.

 Thank god there was another room where we could hide and drink our frustrations away. We chatted and chilled and finally headed back to Marty's place. There was stories told and music listened to. They have a fire place for wood, so we were able to keep warm (even though it wasn't that cold). Bobby and I hit it early because I needed to be up the next day to rent a car and he had school.

A series of Updates, taken out of time and context, yes what fun!

So I have not updated in any sense of the word. When I started this trip, I totally though that I would have been able to keep up a daily correspondence with myself, but I am just too busy and not always in the mood for writing. Recounting the events of the day happens so much more slowly than I would have thought.

But we will work backwards, and start with my time in Florida. I came here on Friday, January 21^st. It was crazy getting here because I made a grievous error. Throughout my week in Pittsburgh, I had said that my flight left on Friday at 5.45pm. At 1am, Thursday night, or Friday morning, your choice, I checked my itinerary in order to make sure that everything was kosher. To my utter dismay and surprise, my flight left at 7.45 in the AM rather than what I had thought. I screamed obscenities and woke up Josh and told him we had to leave in 4 hours to make the flight. He was none too excited. I gathered my crap as quick as I could while at the same time calling the airport because it had been snowing all day long. And all night long. And the roads were awful, and I was hoping for a 5 hour delay so I could get some sleep. No such luck. Everything was on time, and I fell asleep for like an hour. It was bad sleep too because I was such a nervous wreck. Josh and I had to dig his car out of the snow and drive very slowly to the airport.

But all was well and we made it. I arrived that afternoon around 1pm with my grandmother (Mom Mom) and my cousin (Bobby). We went for lunch and I got settled and then I went and hung out with my cousin and his friends Marty, Jen, and Robby. Marty and Jen are married and Robby is a couch surfer. They are major major hippies and go to festivals and traveling music ish and all that. Totally rad dudes and I was happy to spend some time with my cousin.

One of the benefits of this trip is to connect and reconnect with people I may have fallen out of contact with. As most people know, I was literally lying to myself for most of my adolesence in terms of my sexuality. Even the Catholics realize that sexuality is a 'gift from God,' and when you are hiding such an integral part of yourself, then you also hide all sorts of other ways to open up to someone or your own true potential as an individual creative being. Not that I came out to my grandmother on this trip, but I think that I will because she seems pretty OK with a lot of things, and she is pretty forward thinking.

Same with my cousin. He and I are basically the same age and we have lots of similar interests, but throughout adolescence, we never talked or hung out besides the random visit to see his family. Something funny I talked about with him is that we were both into music and shows growing up. However, he is from Middletown, DE which is a little bit, not too much, South of where I grew up. So where did he go for shows and such? Philly and Baltimore. Where did I go for the same? Philly and New York. Slight differences led us to not interact in meaningful ways. He even mentioned it as we facebook messaged before my trip. It was something to truly reflect on, and I did come out to him. I'm glad because he was cool and understanding and it made the trip that much more meaningful.

Hey There Blimpie Boy!

The trip has begun.

Sadly to say this starting post is going to be brief and not that exciting. So much has happened already: running late for flights, missing planes, karaoke singing Mariah and Rocky Horror at a random bar, Russian New Year!!!, P90X yoga with Kelly and Josh, blah blah blah....more stuff.

I'll focus when the focusin's good, but right now I'm off for the day.


Cheers